As a funeral celebrant I witness how therapeutic and soothing ceremony can be on a regular basis, but I never take it for granted. The funeral ceremony should be a catalyst from which the family can move forward in their journey with grief but what can be done when conflict has created a barrier to that?
(some details have been changed to protect the privacy of the family)
I recently worked with a lady who had been excluded from the funeral of her ex-husband by his widow. She had had three wonderful children with him, a twenty year marriage and they had remained great friends after the divorce. She had been respectful and had kept her distance, but she was now feeling “stuck” and unable to move on. Her children contacted me to see if I could help.
They had already scattered some of their Dad’s ashes in a place that he had had a connection to since he was a small boy, and that they had often visited as a family. I suggested that we could hold a ceremony to “dedicate” this place to him and his memory to formalise it as a place of remembrance. These kinds of ceremonies are usually quite short as the stories of the life-lived have already been told at the funeral. But, in this case, that hadn’t been possible and that was what troubled their Mum the most. I arranged a phone call so that I could listen to her memories and write the chapter that hadn't been for inclusion in the ceremony. During our call, I learned that she had lost her mother when she was a small child and had been excluded from the funeral and any involvement in the arrangements, so this recent experience had been especially triggering for her.
On the day chosen for the dedication, family and friends from this man's early life gathered in their special place, their stories were shared and their narrative restored. Wounds were healed and everyone now felt they had what they needed to navigate their grief.
It never fails to fill me with wonder how healing ceremony has the potential to be. No matter how unique or difficult the circumstances may be, by listening carefully celebrants can create something completely individual to nourish and restore.
Don’t hesitate to get in touch for an informal chat about how ceremony might help you, no matter what your experience has been. I’m here to help.